I find myself constantly fighting the feelings of being alone, lonely, forgotten and ignored when my husband is gone for extended periods. I battle doubt. I second guess. I reason myself out of thinking that nobody really cares about me or how I’m doing even when no one calls except my mom and brother. No one reaches out to me. I find myself actively left out of events and notices.  Unless I initiate, my social life goes to shit. 

The recent blow I received from my office and upper management certainly does not help.  I need to remember that no one in that office cares about me at all or has any sense of decency or humanity. That, or they’re too ashamed of being heartless to contact me for anything (although I think that’s less true than the first possibility). 

I’m too damn strong for my own good. No one realizes that every once in a while, I need to be weak. But I can’t be weak. Not until next summer. There are no breaks for me. I will be shown no mercy. Not from friends. Not from family. And least of all from my employer. 

This may be why I tend to get more religious during these stretches. My only friend that has the best chance of reaching out to me is an invisible God and my beliefs that good things that happen aren’t just happy coincidences. 

I go to bury myself into motherhood again – it helps me to not think or care about my own well-being past trying my best to be a decent mom. 


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