Easter

Did I have a Happy Easter?

No. 

But I think I may have found at least one moment in the day that brought me happiness on a personal, non-Mom level. 

At the same time, I’d like to say that there is way too much fracking sugar in the holidays. All of them. Each of my children got multiple *bags* of candy that would easily go around a classroom or an office for a few weeks. It’s absolutely ridiculous. I threw away at least three or four bags of the worthless junk and strongly wish to trash the rest. I despise sugar in these quantities. 

To be frank, though, I’ve been fighting disdain and anger and annoyance and hate and other, similar, negative feelings all weekend. I’ve been wearing a mask to cover it all and I only just now took it off. 

Not my best Easter weekend. And now I face the abyss of the first normalcy I’ve seen in my life since October, and even then, it’s a normalcy veiled in loneliness. 

All I really can do is pray. God is the only one I really have to talk to for at least the near future…

Feeling Tired & Lonely

not the best weekend for me. I keep thinking of the things I wish I could do here and the people I wish I could see in this town. 

Instead, I’m stuck in a house with someone that I strongly dislike and refuse to talk to outside of non-committal and agreeable answers. 

I’m also settling into single parent mode amongst all this. I suppose I can commiserate with my two year old, but it would be a one-sided convo. At least I’d get a hug out of it. 

*sigh*

Dreams

i had two distinct dreams last night. In the first, I was back in Hawaii and there was a digital rectangle block wall the was projected in the distance whenever there was any seismic disturbance. It went up briefly, but the residents told me that it did that all the time with the erupting island. And then they exploded because there was a huge eruption. The rest of the dream involved my family trying to get through the back streets to the airport through raining ash in some local über or cabbie car. We stopped at a shop at one point because we weren’t getting anywhere and my mom was pointing out good souvenirs to buy. I had lost my purse or wallet at that point, went outside, and witnessed a small commuter plane crashing to the ground through the clouds of ash. Then I noticed another airliner upside down on the ground across the street and I was trying to figure out how to convince my mom that going to the airport was maybe not the best idea and we could just wait it out when I woke up. 

The second dream involved Diana Gabaldon showing up at my house, signing some books for me and sitting down for a leisurely chat about life and Outlander. 

Glad I had that second dream to counter the first. 

Family Deaths

My grandfather passed away two days ago.

My great aunt passed away last night or this morning – I’m not really sure exactly when yet.

I fly up to be with family this evening.

I got a nasty, critical e-mail from my mother-in-law yesterday that tore me up, and I haven’t been able to get her nastiness out of my mind.  I wish I had a better distraction from everything else going on in my life to think about, but given what happened, this song is highly appropriate.

Thank you, God, for giving the world Amanda Palmer.

I’m off to jet-set across the country for the 6th time in as many weeks.

May I find closure and be able to grieve with my family without any nasty background noise.

Patience and Time Will Prevail

I just had a thought:

There is little threat of any superior alien species descending on our world to take over our planet for colonization.  Any being with advances of the sort to bring them into our neighborhood of the universe need only wait a little bit while we soundly and efficiently wipe ourselves off the face of the planet.

This happy thought was brought to you by global warming, unsustainable farming practices, the over-use of fossil fuels, and the human penchants for selfishness, destruction, and war.

Balance

I need to somehow find time to relax and maintain my sanity. Over the last few months – since November, really – there’s been one pace to my life best described as “crazy” or “overdrive.” I need to take time to slow down. Sometimes, like now, I need to forcefully just stop myself from constantly moving and from constantly feeling like I have 1,000 things to accomplish right now.

My biggest obstacle to relaxing is not my schedule though. It’s my own damn self. The mentality that “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done” is a bit of an exaggeration that works to actively deny and push away any help offered to me. And I should stop foolishly feeling like I shouldn’t need help. I know I can do almost everything by myself, but doing so pile drives me into the ground unnecessarily.

So for the rest of the day, I’m going to take lots of deep breaths and I’m going to try to relax a little. Everything will get done that needs to be done and even if it doesn’t, it’s never the end of the world.

Email Angst

E-mail drives me a little batty.  It’s all the speed of the modern world and the internet combined with all the waiting for a reply of regular snail mail to me, lately.

I realize that the angst here is self-imposed.  I want e-mail to work at a texting pace, and it just doesn’t.  Also, I feel lately that whenever I send an e-mail, it may be read by the intended recipient, and it may not be read – I’ll never know, and I feel like I’m left hanging out in the wind.

I know that most of my insecurities surrounding replies are ill-founded.  Most people just get caught up in other things, and everyone has competing interests for their time – including me – but I can’t help this sense I get every time I do not immediately hear back from anyone that I’m just being ignored.

And I do not like being ignored when I have to get things done.  I’ve made a point most of my life to be loud (sometimes obnoxiously so) to make sure I am heard when I need to be.  I’m almost positive that is one aspect of my personality that has carried me into the comfortable position I am now in.

I guess, in the end, I just need to be patient.  A friend recently posted/liked an e-card meme that said “I don’t understand why ‘patience’ is a virtue.  Why can’t ‘hurry-the-fuck-up’ be a virtue.”  I guess today, I can totally relate to that.