I find myself constantly fighting the feelings of being alone, lonely, forgotten and ignored when my husband is gone for extended periods. I battle doubt. I second guess. I reason myself out of thinking that nobody really cares about me or how I’m doing even when no one calls except my mom and brother. No one reaches out to me. I find myself actively left out of events and notices. Unless I initiate, my social life goes to shit.
The recent blow I received from my office and upper management certainly does not help. I need to remember that no one in that office cares about me at all or has any sense of decency or humanity. That, or they’re too ashamed of being heartless to contact me for anything (although I think that’s less true than the first possibility).
I’m too damn strong for my own good. No one realizes that every once in a while, I need to be weak. But I can’t be weak. Not until next summer. There are no breaks for me. I will be shown no mercy. Not from friends. Not from family. And least of all from my employer.
This may be why I tend to get more religious during these stretches. My only friend that has the best chance of reaching out to me is an invisible God and my beliefs that good things that happen aren’t just happy coincidences.
I go to bury myself into motherhood again – it helps me to not think or care about my own well-being past trying my best to be a decent mom.
Only military wives truly understand the insanity of the last day before a deployment. I have no other military wives to talk to at the moment, though. It has started. Every one is different. This time, I have two children instead of one. I am mostly past potty training, but not quite. My oldest has conscious memory of this event and probably always will. The child understands that daddy is gone for a very long time. It will be hard. It always is.
Also,my employers, despite their military affiliation, are acting like heartless assholes. I get no sympathy from any quarter there. Although, that’s pissing me off more than anything else. It is also tempting me to be vindictive. I’m trying to reign in those instincts. At least a little bit.
I don’t want to talk to anyone anyway, I tell myself. Especially since most of my friends aren’t here and wouldn’t understand. I want to crawl into a hole like I always do when I feel isolated and alone. Curling up into a ball while the kids are asleep will have to suffice. I really just need to go to sleep and wake up to tomorrow – the first of many lonely days for the better part of the next year.
Is this a scary thought?
Imagine if Disney bought the rights to Firefly…and revived it…
I feel like a parental failure today. There’s an Air Show in the area and I’ve barely left the house. I’ve let the kids just watch TV and play video games. I’ve yelled at my daughter for having multiple accidents. I’ve yelled at my son for acting his age. I’ve been exhausted and moody. I skipped church. I’ve been buried in my phone for a good part of the day. I feel like a horrible person and I just haven’t wanted to be a mom today. I want someone to take my children away from me and let me wallow in depression for a few days. I guess it’s probably for the best. My kids may be keeping me from doing something stupid.
I get up anyway.
I work, regardless.
I run in obligation.
I cook to provide for my family.
I pay bills to stay solvent.
I drink to relax.
I’m tired still.
It never goes away.
Even when I finally get to sleep.
I wake up tired and start again.
I am so tired. I cannot even see clearly, I’m so tired – my vision is actually blurry.
This weekend, it was wonderful to see family, but I believe I did it all at the expense of my own health and sanity. And the fun continues here at home with all the promises and obligations I have between work and home. At the moment, I cannot imagine how I can accomplish all the things I have promised or am expected to accomplish. Even down to the basic things like feeding my kids (although current-me is profoundly thanking past-me for remembering to plan out at least this week’s meals – especially since recent-past-me completely forgot that past-me had done such a thing and was stressing out about it). My current life situations feels like way too much. Overwhelming – that’s the word I’m looking for.
On top of that, I have no one to talk to about it, and no relief in sight – outside of this private blog, I guess.
On that note – it may be that the writing thing I was ridiculously ambitious enough to conceive of below will probably not happen. I do not know what time I was imagining that I would have. Past-me has her failings in being over-ambitious sometimes, I suppose.
Or, I’m just not seeing the forest at the moment because I’m buried under too many trees that have fallen on top of me. I think the biggest thing to do is not anticipate the whole forest burying me alive (which I’m prone to do) and either push off the trees one at a time or dig my way out from underneath everything.
In the meantime, I need to remember my mantra: “Everything will be okay. I will make it all work out somehow.”
I just had a realization. Back when I was in school, I was the smart-ass know-it-all, obnoxious type who never had any problems raising my hand and speaking up. I would get sick of all the silent people in the room who were just trying to avoid calling attention to themselves. Sometimes, it seemed that everyone in the room but me had the “someone else will speak up about it” mentality.
Online, though, I tend to clam up. I have told very few people of this blog’s existence, I do not tweet much of my own thoughts, and I keep my FB access fairly tight, close-knit, and censored when I see nastiness. I wonder if that’s borne from a mild sense of fear of being attacked in this environment – which is so prevalent. I bet it’s because I do not consider the internet to be any sort of safe space, whatsoever. Because encountering respect and reasoned discourse in this medium is more rare than outright vitriol and base-level entrenchment into personal biases.
Just some thoughts.