Family Deaths

My grandfather passed away two days ago.

My great aunt passed away last night or this morning – I’m not really sure exactly when yet.

I fly up to be with family this evening.

I got a nasty, critical e-mail from my mother-in-law yesterday that tore me up, and I haven’t been able to get her nastiness out of my mind.  I wish I had a better distraction from everything else going on in my life to think about, but given what happened, this song is highly appropriate.

Thank you, God, for giving the world Amanda Palmer.

I’m off to jet-set across the country for the 6th time in as many weeks.

May I find closure and be able to grieve with my family without any nasty background noise.

Patience and Time Will Prevail

I just had a thought:

There is little threat of any superior alien species descending on our world to take over our planet for colonization.  Any being with advances of the sort to bring them into our neighborhood of the universe need only wait a little bit while we soundly and efficiently wipe ourselves off the face of the planet.

This happy thought was brought to you by global warming, unsustainable farming practices, the over-use of fossil fuels, and the human penchants for selfishness, destruction, and war.


I need to somehow find time to relax and maintain my sanity. Over the last few months – since November, really – there’s been one pace to my life best described as “crazy” or “overdrive.” I need to take time to slow down. Sometimes, like now, I need to forcefully just stop myself from constantly moving and from constantly feeling like I have 1,000 things to accomplish right now.

My biggest obstacle to relaxing is not my schedule though. It’s my own damn self. The mentality that “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done” is a bit of an exaggeration that works to actively deny and push away any help offered to me. And I should stop foolishly feeling like I shouldn’t need help. I know I can do almost everything by myself, but doing so pile drives me into the ground unnecessarily.

So for the rest of the day, I’m going to take lots of deep breaths and I’m going to try to relax a little. Everything will get done that needs to be done and even if it doesn’t, it’s never the end of the world.

Email Angst

E-mail drives me a little batty.  It’s all the speed of the modern world and the internet combined with all the waiting for a reply of regular snail mail to me, lately.

I realize that the angst here is self-imposed.  I want e-mail to work at a texting pace, and it just doesn’t.  Also, I feel lately that whenever I send an e-mail, it may be read by the intended recipient, and it may not be read – I’ll never know, and I feel like I’m left hanging out in the wind.

I know that most of my insecurities surrounding replies are ill-founded.  Most people just get caught up in other things, and everyone has competing interests for their time – including me – but I can’t help this sense I get every time I do not immediately hear back from anyone that I’m just being ignored.

And I do not like being ignored when I have to get things done.  I’ve made a point most of my life to be loud (sometimes obnoxiously so) to make sure I am heard when I need to be.  I’m almost positive that is one aspect of my personality that has carried me into the comfortable position I am now in.

I guess, in the end, I just need to be patient.  A friend recently posted/liked an e-card meme that said “I don’t understand why ‘patience’ is a virtue.  Why can’t ‘hurry-the-fuck-up’ be a virtue.”  I guess today, I can totally relate to that.

Social Swings

This month is going to be a bit crazy for me, not the least of which because of the social yo-yo-ing that I’m going to experience.  In working from home, I have become accustomed to silence and solitude.  It takes up over half of my waking hours every given week.  So, whenever I have to go on business trips, or I travel to see family anymore, I quickly come to experience a little bit of social anxiety in that the constant noises of civilization and the social interactions overwhelm me a little bit.

It is such a weird sensation to me whenever it happens because this is the first time in my life I’ve really experienced anything like it, and logically, I know what is going on, but I still experience an emotional response to it that I cannot control.  The only word I can come up with to describe it is being over-stimulated and overwhelmed.

Then, I come back to my normal routine, and everything is *too* quiet and a bit lonely and underwhelming.  I feel like a rubber band that gets stretched really thin and then rebounds and folds a little before resuming a normal shape.

I have multiple shifts of this sort coming up this month.  I just got back from the first one.  I’m hoping I can handle the many adjustments to come with grace.  I look forward to the day when social interactions, vacations, and business trips are not so taxing to my limbic system.

Therapeutic Journaling ?

I’ve been depressed lately.

I’m not sure if it’s because I need a vacation or some sort of a break, but I suspect that’s a big part of my moods lately, and I’ve been struggling with that idea (vacation) all on its own because I feel like I wouldn’t know what to do with myself and within 30 minutes of getting away, I would miss my children.

But I do need a break. I need a break from work – a mental health day. I used to do it regularly, but that was when I worked for a better and more understanding organization than I do now and when I did not have little, dependent humans.

I need a break from my children that I love with my whole heart and soul, but who make constant demands of me when we’re together. They are my second job, and are more enjoyable than my normal day job, but are still a LOT of work.

I need a break from my husband, to whom I have been unfairly short-fused lately. We desperately need a chance to reconnect from the stresses of this past summer, but at the same time, I need to find a way to re-connect with myself first, I think.

But I run into two immediate dilemmas.

First, I do not feel like I have the ability to get away. The kids have constant needs. There are constant chores to be done. The husband’s job and career comes first and has been demanding on him for years leaving me to take care of everything else (you would think I would be used to it by now).

And second, as stated before, I have no earthly idea of what I need to do to pull myself out of this funk. I’ve tried sleep (a.k.a. unconscious escapism). That didn’t work. I’ve tried exercise, which is only a temporary relief. I think about buying a plane ticket and flying away somewhere, but while I’m solvent enough to actually do it, I do not feel I have the freedom or time to get away with it.

And so I feel stuck in the same rut, suffering from loneliness, depression, and ever-increasing mood swings, and no way to work my way out of it as I’ve done in the past.

Feeling meh

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. :-(