I’ve been depressed lately.
I’m not sure if it’s because I need a vacation or some sort of a break, but I suspect that’s a big part of my moods lately, and I’ve been struggling with that idea (vacation) all on its own because I feel like I wouldn’t know what to do with myself and within 30 minutes of getting away, I would miss my children.
But I do need a break. I need a break from work – a mental health day. I used to do it regularly, but that was when I worked for a better and more understanding organization than I do now and when I did not have little, dependent humans.
I need a break from my children that I love with my whole heart and soul, but who make constant demands of me when we’re together. They are my second job, and are more enjoyable than my normal day job, but are still a LOT of work.
I need a break from my husband, to whom I have been unfairly short-fused lately. We desperately need a chance to reconnect from the stresses of this past summer, but at the same time, I need to find a way to re-connect with myself first, I think.
But I run into two immediate dilemmas.
First, I do not feel like I have the ability to get away. The kids have constant needs. There are constant chores to be done. The husband’s job and career comes first and has been demanding on him for years leaving me to take care of everything else (you would think I would be used to it by now).
And second, as stated before, I have no earthly idea of what I need to do to pull myself out of this funk. I’ve tried sleep (a.k.a. unconscious escapism). That didn’t work. I’ve tried exercise, which is only a temporary relief. I think about buying a plane ticket and flying away somewhere, but while I’m solvent enough to actually do it, I do not feel I have the freedom or time to get away with it.
And so I feel stuck in the same rut, suffering from loneliness, depression, and ever-increasing mood swings, and no way to work my way out of it as I’ve done in the past.