Social Swings

This month is going to be a bit crazy for me, not the least of which because of the social yo-yo-ing that I’m going to experience.  In working from home, I have become accustomed to silence and solitude.  It takes up over half of my waking hours every given week.  So, whenever I have to go on business trips, or I travel to see family anymore, I quickly come to experience a little bit of social anxiety in that the constant noises of civilization and the social interactions overwhelm me a little bit.

It is such a weird sensation to me whenever it happens because this is the first time in my life I’ve really experienced anything like it, and logically, I know what is going on, but I still experience an emotional response to it that I cannot control.  The only word I can come up with to describe it is being over-stimulated and overwhelmed.

Then, I come back to my normal routine, and everything is *too* quiet and a bit lonely and underwhelming.  I feel like a rubber band that gets stretched really thin and then rebounds and folds a little before resuming a normal shape.

I have multiple shifts of this sort coming up this month.  I just got back from the first one.  I’m hoping I can handle the many adjustments to come with grace.  I look forward to the day when social interactions, vacations, and business trips are not so taxing to my limbic system.

Therapeutic Journaling ?

I’ve been depressed lately.

I’m not sure if it’s because I need a vacation or some sort of a break, but I suspect that’s a big part of my moods lately, and I’ve been struggling with that idea (vacation) all on its own because I feel like I wouldn’t know what to do with myself and within 30 minutes of getting away, I would miss my children.

But I do need a break. I need a break from work – a mental health day. I used to do it regularly, but that was when I worked for a better and more understanding organization than I do now and when I did not have little, dependent humans.

I need a break from my children that I love with my whole heart and soul, but who make constant demands of me when we’re together. They are my second job, and are more enjoyable than my normal day job, but are still a LOT of work.

I need a break from my husband, to whom I have been unfairly short-fused lately. We desperately need a chance to reconnect from the stresses of this past summer, but at the same time, I need to find a way to re-connect with myself first, I think.

But I run into two immediate dilemmas.

First, I do not feel like I have the ability to get away. The kids have constant needs. There are constant chores to be done. The husband’s job and career comes first and has been demanding on him for years leaving me to take care of everything else (you would think I would be used to it by now).

And second, as stated before, I have no earthly idea of what I need to do to pull myself out of this funk. I’ve tried sleep (a.k.a. unconscious escapism). That didn’t work. I’ve tried exercise, which is only a temporary relief. I think about buying a plane ticket and flying away somewhere, but while I’m solvent enough to actually do it, I do not feel I have the freedom or time to get away with it.

And so I feel stuck in the same rut, suffering from loneliness, depression, and ever-increasing mood swings, and no way to work my way out of it as I’ve done in the past.

Feeling meh

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. :-(


I had unexpected (laparoscopic) surgery today. I’ve never had surgery before. I’m not really a fan of hospitals or surgery. I’m glad it’s over, and I’m really looking forward to being my normal self again as soon as possible. Until then, my bed is my best friend.

One of those days…

Today, I find myself in a hyper-emotional state.  Or a depressed one.  It’s confusing.

I feel like I’m about to cry, but I have no reason to do so.

I feel alone, and maybe lonely, but I can’t really tell.

I’m forcing myself to feel motivated, forcing myself to keep working.

I want something different, but I do not know what.

I want to be left alone, but I do not think I should be left alone.  I think I would be better served by interacting socially with someone.  Anyone.  This is mainly because I am alone at the moment.  I could not be more “by myself” if I tried, and it doesn’t appear to be helping.

I may be tired, despite a decent night’s sleep.  Caffeine does not seem to be doing the trick today.

I know for a fact that I’m apprehensive about an upcoming doctor’s appointment I have.  I’m trying not to think about it.

Running or walking would possibly help, but I do not really have the time today.

Amidst all this, I have to somehow come to grips with whatever this funky mood is in the next hour or two before I collect my children and face an evening with the family.  Or, I’ll just sweep the mood under the rug and put on a good face, hoping that it will go away.  And maybe it will…


Quiet Nights

So tonight is one of those nights where my husband is working late and won’t be home until after I hit the sack. These nights are very reminiscent of deployment evenings – having to make dinner for everyone, entertain, supervise and put the kids to bed by myself and do all the nightly chores solo…but after all that’s done, I usually have a good hour of solid “me” time and it’s absolutely peaceful and wonderful.

For this tour, nights like these are a rarity, so I’m very much appreciating the silence and peace.

The Disney trip went pretty well, although I know I hit a point almost every day where I became a little too overwhelmed and over-stimulated. At those points, I tended to shut down mentally, get a little short-tempered or really quiet. I got asked “Are you okay?” quite a bit. But it was an awesome trip. I feel incredibly blessed that the military threw us into a parallel path with an awesome family that has become part of our own and that we get along so well with.

That’s about all I have tonight – just appreciation for some silent “me” time and a quick look-back at last week’s vacay. Toodles!

The Force Failed Me

I am one of the very unlucky 1.7% of Fitbit Force users who developed a skin rash from wearing it.  I’m about to return mine under the voluntary recall, but the whole experience is bumming me out quite a bit. 

I LOVE activity trackers.  I had the Nike FuelBand (first gen) for around one and a half years, but had many issues with it between the band not clasping properly, replacing it due to a faulty screen display, and through to having my replacement band completely die on me just outside of the warranty period.  This last issue happened last November, so with all the problems I’d had with Nike, I decided to do some research and find a good tracker that would work for me.

The Fitbit Force was a near-perfect fit for me and I convinced my husband to get it for me at Christmas.  The only thing I really missed was the awesome and motivating features of goal-setting and challenges that the Nike FuelBand was great at; but with the added sleep tracker, the vibrating alarm, and the real metrics (rather than invented points), I felt that the Force was a really good trade-off.  And in the two months I wore it, the band kept me motivated to move more.  I got out for more walks, and I loved tracking my sleep measurements and benchmarking myself against the other-user stats.  However, a week after they issued the recall, I noticed the tell-tale signs of dermatitis on my wrist where the metal part of the Force sat. 

So now, I find myself listless.  I’ve worn an activity tracker almost non-stop for nearly two years now, and while I know I can still get out there and exercise and that I don’t need a wrist-band to tell me what I’m doing and whether I’m being active enough or not, I’m really missing the fun and motivation that these toys brought to my life.

The only debate for me now centers around my own impatience.  Do I buy the known, sub-par Nike FuelBand SE because I want SOMETHING to track my activity, or do I patiently wait for Fitbit to get its act together to release the “new and improved” activity tracker at some unknown time in the future with even more nifty features than the Force had (the only thing the company says is that it will be released “soon” … I hate that word :-P)?  I’m completely torn on this issue, and it’s getting me down today.